Wedge Sandals

A friend and I saw "Duplicity" in the theater last night. Julia Roberts wears a lot of charming dresses in that movie, but at one point I noticed she was wearing the biggest cardinal sin a woman can commit: the &!%#@ wedge heel. True, her pair wasn't as offensive as others I've seen -- go mid-heel espadrille or go home -- but it re-ignited my rage over this atrocious phootwear phenomenon.

Look, I get that they're all summery and good for adding height (trust me, I am all about appearing taller), but there are about 895,281 other shoes out there that succeed much better on both of these levels. What most women don't seem to understand is that the wedge heel actually stumps your legs. Instead of elongating them, you wind up looking like a teetering hooker with a five-inch neon-colored Styrofoam growth on your foot. 

The other issue is that you cannot pair them with anything that isn't cheap-looking. My colleague Sylvia recently summed up this up nicely: "They're the shoes porn stars and small-town 'hotties' wear everywhere -- the ones still wearing tracksuits." 

To drive my point home, I'll end with a gallery of some of the worst wedge sandals I could find on the Internet. These are from places millions of women shop at -- Macy's, Nordstrom, Victoria's Secret, Shoes.com -- so beware and stay clear. 

(Photo above is the "Silent" wedge thong from BCBGirls; Nordstrom, $40. The name is fitting, considering that would be the most polite reaction if someone's very good friend said, "Hey, I love these shoes. Do you like them?")

Below is the "Bog Wild" wedge sandal from Aerosoles; Macy's, $70. It's incredible that the folks at Aerosoles chose such a devastatingly accurate name for this shoe. I can't imagine the name alone nets them many sales. And speaking of "net," that's probably the other fine accessory you'd likely be wearing if you were indeed "wild" enough to wade into a bog. 

Next up, the "Sabra Bezel" shoe from Baby Phat; shoes.com, $51. I'm pretty sure this is the line overseen by Kimora Lee "Fabulosity" Simmons, which should be enough background information to explain this perfectly.  

Oof. Back to my point about wedge heels looking like a stumpified extension of your legs: flesh-colored wedge heels will take this to an extreme. Plus, it seems just lazy that someone would make a (somewhat) normal wedge casing and decide, hey, let's bridge the sides together with some fatty straps of elastic. BCBGirls, what do you want from us? BCBGirls "Marvi" wedge sandal; Macy's, $98.

I saw this beauty -- the "Rylee" wedge sandal from Sam Edelman, $170 -- while flipping through the latest Nordstrom catalog. Then I realized that Sam Edelman does nothing but design fugly shoes at exorbitant prices. I realize retailers need a breadth of products to satisfy every taste level, but this is taking things too far. Encouraging young women to frolic around in platform wedges that combine mock-Honduran embroidery, denim and bows is simply shameful. And for nearly $200! Are you outraged yet?

When Sylvia and I first discussed this post, it took about six seconds for her to know exactly what I was talking about. "Like these?" she asked. She sent me a URL. The domain name was "victoriassecret.com." I knew she'd found Mecca. Sure enough, here it is, the wedge heel sandal, in its most basic and egregious form. Bust out the Ed Hardy tees and the toe rings -- we're home.